I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
