dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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