Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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