after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
