Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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