Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
