I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
