his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
