JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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