she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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