The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
