Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
