I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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