Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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