So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
