I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
