I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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