I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
