the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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