he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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