he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
