life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
