There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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