Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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