Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
