swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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