I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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