I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
