I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
