And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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