I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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