mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Terrible idea I love it
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
