i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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