she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
