Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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