i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
