look no pants
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dicks are not precious.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
