Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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