FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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