We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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