When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
