Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Randomize
