dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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