I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
