White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
