It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
