"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is classic penis vs brain.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
