You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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