I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
