I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
