In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Who died my cat blue again?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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