I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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