So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
