The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
