the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
