I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
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my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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