Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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