Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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