I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
