eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
