your thong is hanging out like whoa
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
