Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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