You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Randomize
