my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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