Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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