Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My Higher Power is John Stamos
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
