did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
